The Science of Belonging: Why Living Bi-Continentally Might Be the Key to Immigrant Happiness

There’s something about Lagos that makes me feel alive. Maybe it’s the noise, the chaos, the unsolicited compliments from security guards, or the way my nephews hug me every morning like they’ve waited all night for it. It’s the way you’re never just doing your nails—you’re catching up with your nail tech. You’re not just sitting in traffic—you’re exchanging gist with the Uber driver. There’s life in the air, and I feel like I’m part of it.

Someone recently asked me: Why does London feel so different? 

I had to pause and think. Because technically, I have everything I need here. A good career. Order. Structure. Fresh fruit from my garden. Routines that keep my body healthy and my mind focused. I go on runs and get that beautiful dopamine rush. I reach goals and feel the reward system kicking in.

But the truth? I’ve been running low on oxytocin. And that matters—especially as a woman.

Phase One: Identity, Belonging & the Dopamine Loop

For most immigrants—especially African professionals—moving abroad triggers a flood of reinvention. You arrive, and suddenly the question becomes: Who am I in this new land? 

It’s no longer just about your passport or education. It’s about re-establishing identity. You build routines. You set goals. You chase achievement to prove (even to yourself) that you belong.

This phase is fuelled by dopamine—the reward chemical. Every milestone hit, every bill paid, every certification completed gives a rush. There’s also serotonin here—the quiet sense of pride in status and survival. You’re no longer struggling. You’re evolving.

But there comes a point when that’s not enough.

Phase Two: Loneliness in the Middle of Success

Here’s where many of us—especially single women—begin to struggle. The excitement of the move wears off. You’re no longer chasing identity. Now you’re craving intimacy. Not romantic intimacy, necessarily—but the warmth of community, the joy of easy connection, the comfort of daily oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. For women, it’s released through hugs, shared meals, deep conversation, and trust. And while self-love practices can help (massages, warm baths, prayer journaling), the truth is: oxytocin thrives in connection, not just solitude.

In Nigeria, I get this in abundance. From the physical touch of a nephew’s hug to the energy exchange at the market. Even the small, spontaneous moments—someone helping me with my luggage, the old woman praying over me on a flight, the compliment at a petrol station—create a sense of shared humanity.

In London? It's more transactional. Less communal. The systems are efficient but emotionally sterile. You can go days, even weeks, without meaningful physical contact—especially if you're single or living alone. And that begins to eat at your joy.

Gendered Neuroscience: What About Men?

While women often crave oxytocin through emotional connection, immigrant men face a different kind of hormonal tension.

Testosterone—closely tied to drive, ambition, and dominance—is reinforced in environments where upward mobility is visible.

In Nigeria, a man can feel powerful by building something from scratch—seeing real, tangible results. There’s a societal reward for "making it."

But in many Western countries, especially socialist-style economies with flatter hierarchies, that kind of reward system is slower or less obvious. You can be competent but invisible. Hardworking but stuck. This can quietly erode self-esteem and trigger symptoms of depression—particularly in men raised in status-driven cultures.

And oxytocin isn’t absent in men. In fact, when paired with testosterone, it can create loyalty, protectiveness, and emotional steadiness. But again—without proximity, without human contact, without spaces where men can relax and connect beyond achievement—it’s hard to access.

So What’s the Solution? Maybe It’s Time to Live Bi-Continentally

Here’s what I’m proposing, and what I’m beginning to live myself:

You don’t have to choose between joy and global exposure. You don’t have to pick between home and ambition. Maybe you just need a system that lets you have both.

Living bi-continentally means designing a life that gives you emotional and cultural nourishment—without compromising on professional growth. It’s about giving yourself permission to reimagine what “success” looks like. You’re not moving back home because you failed. You’re building a life that works for your nervous system.

But this requires planning—real planning. Not vibes and flights. You need:

• Immigration clarity: What’s your plan for permanent residency or a passport?

• Investment focus: What assets or projects will you build at home to make return visits meaningful?

• Calendar alignment: When do you rest? When do you earn? How will your rhythms support both worlds?

• Spiritual alignment: What does God say about this season of your life?

This is why we created the Plan with God Journal on Well Working and Living. It’s not just a planner—it’s a sacred space to co-design your life with intention. Whether you're building across continents, navigating long-distance love, or just trying to stay sane in London, you need something to hold your vision.

Final Thoughts

There’s no glory in burnout. And there’s no badge for pretending you don’t miss the sound of your name said in your mother tongue. You’re allowed to admit that happiness feels different when you’re home. That the sun feels like medicine. That community isn’t optional—it’s oxygen.

So if you’re reading this and feeling low—please know you’re not crazy. You’re not ungrateful. You’re just human.

And maybe it’s time to live like one again.